i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
