the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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