I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
