i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
