and i looked up. we had an audience...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
