finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
