You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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