Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
