Tell her she can't have a vagina
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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