I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
