My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
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Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
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I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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