my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
