life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Drunk is a universal language darling
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
