I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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