based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
