We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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