Your dad touched me again.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
