I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize