Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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