I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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