i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
