Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
