she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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