i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Sorry about my life...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
