oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Hippo gnu deer
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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