Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
