I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize