Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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