i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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