Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
