Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
