Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
