Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
