the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
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I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
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I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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