i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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