Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
