I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
