I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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