She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We are two peas in an std pod
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
