I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
