Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
