im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
