You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
