pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
this is an emotional support booty call
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
