Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
