Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
ttyl tear gas
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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