I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize