shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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