god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
