I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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