You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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