please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper