I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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