I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
