it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
