My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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