So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
