i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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