she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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